On worthiness

I have been trying to blog all week. Five drafts later here we are. Yesterday morning while I was wasting time before I actually got out of bed, because I cannot just pop out of bed like normal people, I read this article a friend posted and literally hopped out of bed immediately just to write this.

Aside from the obvious misogynistic point of view, I’m kind of sad because now I feel as if have to tell my 2875846 nonexistent lovers that we need to stop having meaningless sex so that I can eventually end up with a guy that does the exact same thing because he’s entitled to do so because he’s the man and it’s expected but that I should really just wear a chastity belt on my lady parts. Run-on sentence. Really guys*? Not that I’m this unicorn he speaks of, but I consider that aspect of my life super tame, because I don’t even remember what sex is. Sorry, you can’t unknow that now. And for the record, it’s not because of what guys like that think.


What if I wanted to be like this guy? What if I wanted to be the proverbial slut that has “no dignity or morals”? As a modern woman that seemingly has a lot going for her, I feel like I shouldn’t be judged over it. It’s 2013. I had this conversation with a guy friend just the other day about double standards– he asked me why do women feel that there is such a stigma to NSA sex, and I gave him a damn good answer my opinion: whether it’s true for some people or not, that double standard exists. I also told him that I think men are generally are better at compartmentalizing that aspect of their life, but that’s just from my observation. I don’t agree with it, and I think it’s ridiculous that there are people out there that still equate a woman’s worth based on this. It just alludes to the fact that we are still being seen as objects and not people. Times are changing though, and while this concept is still out there, I’m hopeful that most guys aren’t like that right?? Well, at least the guys I know personally.

But I digress, just because a group of small-minded people think this way, it shouldn’t stop you from doing what you want ladies! While I think that there should be a certain degree of self-awareness of why you do things, whether they’re for the right reasons or not (both men or women), sometimes you just want to go out and get some strange. Do some shit that you know is bad for you. Shit that makes you wake up the next morning saying hmm.. I probably shouldn’t’ve done that. But oh the hell well, lesson learned. I’ve had my moments, but now I’m at the age where I think about doing certain things..

Only because I know myself more than when I was in my early 20s, lost, had little sense of identity and was doing dumb stuff all the time. Probably not all the time, but it felt like it looking back. The magical thing about getting older is you tend to care less what other people think of you and just become who you were meant to become– or something like that. The people who are meant to be in your life will accept who you are– I mean, so what if I have several lovers post ridiculous memes, have a foul mouth, and can eat my weight in cookies? That malarkey aside, I’m an honest person who means what she says, loves meaningful conversations and hates small talk, and among other things.. if you know me, then you already know how I am. If you don’t know me, well I am whatever you think I am, I suppose. My point is, those dark spots on your life that people will judge you for do not define you– especially how many sexual partners you have and if someone thinks of less because of it, well you’re better off without that person in your life. Unless it’s like 100+ partners.. then that’s a whole different story. We may need to have a heart to heart about some thangs..

At first this article really ticked me off, like.. really. Then after a day of thinking about it, it just became more laughable. Smart women know the difference between a good guy and a misogynistic asshole– obviously this guy being the latter. I consider myself a very strong woman, so naturally I gravitate towards strong men, and this guy.. weak. Also, as a strong woman, I know that the opinions of the weak don’t define you.. nor should any one else’s, but especially those that are close-minded. Mhmm.

A girl should be two things: who and what she wants.

Coco Chanel

* Before I receive hate mail from my guy friends– I get it. Not all guys are like this, blah blah. I get it.


On Fear

I’m going to tell you a story, one that I don’t think I’ve told many people or anyone.. that I can think of at this moment..

In college, I had this professor named Dr. Smith– obviously not his real name. He was a good professor, but the first class I took of his was during a very busy semester. I periodically skipped classes, and one day I walked into his class and there was a test that I had no idea was going to take place that day. I stared at that test half way through the class until I finally asked him if I retook it, and had I said that in the beginning he would’ve let me, and I’m pretty sure I made a 40 on it. Anyway, to make a long story short I made a C in that class, barely– in fact, I’m pretty sure I didn’t even earn that C. The following summer semester, I took another class by him. A harder class at that. Not only was it harder, but the classes were more intense due to the time restrictions in a summer course– so longer class + more information = brain overload. My attention span for listening to someone lecture caps at about 1-1.5 hours, and that’s pushing it. Our first test for that class was the first week, I believe and I don’t remember what circumstances surrounded me going to his office to find out my grade on his first test, but he told me I got a 97, and was the person that screwed up the curve– not in those words, but I was that person. Afterwards, you’d think I’d be happy? You’d be happy, right? Unless you’re already really smart, and are the kind of person to think to yourself that you were so close to that 100. But what happened next, I’ll never forget. So he tells me my grade, and then he looks at my concerned, and says, “you can look happy.” I must’ve looked really upset or something, or at least not as one should look upon hearing such news.

I think about that moment a lot, it’s a defining moment, for me, even if it seems like such a small thing. I still think about that moment, because that reaction revealed something about myself I never wanted to acknowledge. I wish my thought led straight to happiness, and the feeling of accomplishment, but that’s not how it panned out. I slightly panicked in my head, because after that moment there were these expectations (from myself). And I’m not sure about you, but I had these fears that I was a fraud, and at any moment someone’s going to figure out that I’m not smart or capable enough to be here– in regards to college. I constantly compared myself to other people, and in my head I know that one can’t always be the smartest, or best at things, but there are parts of me that won’t register it and it just ruins me. It ruins me, and I let it. It’s not that way for some people, I get it, but for me that’s how I am. I wish I was the kind of person to be driven by proving people wrong, but most of the time, I’m not that woman.

There is a side of me that thinks I’m intelligent and capable of doing many things, but that other side of me that fears not being smart enough or lacking capabilities gets in the way at times. The older I get, the less I listen to the negative side and just go or things, and if I fail I at least know I tried so I don’t have to look back on my 20s as the wasted years. The older I get, the more I try to own my accomplishments– for instance, I got accepted into the graduate school I wanted to get into! I’m not going to lie, the thought of being the dumb one in class has crossed my mind, but I’m not going to let that stop me from doing what I’ve been wanting (and needing) to do for such a long time. The fear of something, isn’t the same as it actually happening, and one shouldn’t let their fears stop them from seeking their full potential. Success is scary, but failure due to lack of trying is not an option and something that will leave you with regret for the rest of your life– and I’m terribly afraid of ending up a content person who didn’t live up to their potential and just grazed by in life accomplishing nothing important.

I write this not to be a Debbie Downer, but because I think it’s important to acknowledge your fears and try to grow.. and because I think this is one of those unspoken fears that many people have. I’m currently reading Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg and it mentions that many women have these same feelings. Why is that? One of the many findings noted in the book is that there are studies to show that women tend to attribute their successes to luck, and men attribute their success to their own skill. This goes back to my story about that test grade, I should have called that score what it was– something I earned, not some fluke. Now, I catch myself doing certain things this book points out– like how we as women don’t take compliments well, or how we risk little for the sake of comfort but gain little because of it. It points to several issues, many of which I’ll save for a different post for a different day, but you get my point. I recommend reading the book, it’ll open your eyes to things happening in front of you, but you’ll gain a new perspective. One of the main points in the book is– what would you do if you weren’t afraid? What would you do, if you weren’t afraid? I want you to think about that, and then wonder if what’s stopping you from doing what you want really a legitimate reason to not do something. You’re more capable of achieving more than you realize. I’ll end this by sharing some things I would do if I wasn’t afraid, because if I can’t share with y’all, who can I share with? Wink. And because, what have I got to lose? Absolutely nothing.

  • I would travel more, especially to more rural areas.
  • I would get my doctorate. I did get accepted to a master’s program for school, and i’m about 90% sure I’ll be doing it this fall.. still scared though.
  • I would tell my friends the truth more often when they do something that I don’t believe a friend would/should do. Although, I do believe there’s a time and a place for things, I’m the kind of person to just let things bubble and then cut people off completely.
  • I’d apologize less.
  • I would speak my mind at work.
  • I’d speak more candidly. I know what my friends are thinking.. but most of what I rant about is a very edited version of what I actually think.
  • I would stick up for myself more.
  • I’d write more uninhibited posts, such as this one.
  • On the quarter-life crisis

    I’ll be twenty-five in a few months. Twenty-fucking-five years old. My age doesn’t bother me as much as where I am in life. I imagined so much more for myself at this age. At 24, I really should have been either done or almost done with my Master’s in Psychology and should have been accepted into a Doctorate program by now. That gap year, has turned in gap years. I am literally shaking my head thinking about that.

    Like I said, I imagined so much more for myself. No one is harder on me than I am on myself right now.

    Sure I was done with college at the ripe age of 21, but afterwards my life became stagnant. It became super boring. Every day I question myself, and ask myself what am I doing, but for the most part I just drift through my days on auto-pilot. I’m not being present, and gone are the days of mindfulness. Aside from work and working out, I honestly couldn’t tell you what I spend my days doing because I’m just going through motions here. If I can say I’ve mastered anything, it’s being on auto-pilot, and I’m far from proud of that.

    But I’m not here to have a pity party. I’m not that woman. I refuse to be that woman. I can not be that person that talks about things and doesn’t just do it. Those people get on my last nerve, and I think it bothers me more because it was as if I was like these other people, but I’m not. I’ve always known this, but now I realizethat from the beginning, the end goal always looks far away, but you don’t get any closer by just sitting there and wishing something will happen to you. You must be proactive about it. Nobody is going to hand you what you want on a silver platter, you need to get out there and make it happen. So I’m making it happen. I can no longer surround myself with people who just hope and pray for good to come their way without action either, I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t, y’all.

    So far this year, I’ve made a couple of changes for the good. I started eating better, much better actually. I eat so well, now when I eat something crappy my body instantly starts rejecting it and turns on me. It’s quite scary at times, but eating healthier makes me feel so much better and I’m not as exhausted as I once was. I went from drinking at least two coffees/lattes a day, to maybe having one once a week. I also don’t eat out as much, and make most of my meals ahead of time. Meal prep Mondays is no joke. I mean, I still really hate quinoa, and prefer white rice, but my body thanks me for making a better choice.

    I also started working out, regularly. I’m not losing too much weight, but the inches are dropping really fast and I can fit into my clothes much better. I no longer feel like a stuffed sausage in my clothes and I also no longer feel like I’m dying when I run. I can’t make that stuff up. All four of my cheeks are smaller, which is great because I look less like a chipmunk with two basketballs in my jeans– which is how I imagined myself for a while.. I was getting worried.

    I now have some ideas of goals I want to accomplish by a certain time. It’s a [late] start, but I have to start somewhere. I don’t want to reveal some things yet, because I don’t want to jinx it, but once things start playing out more– I’ll write about it here. Just know some of it involves adventurous activities and me forcing myself out of my comfort zone. Don’t worry, I’ll visually document it. Hopefully I’ll get some kind of traveling mixed in there.. it’s good for the soul and for opening up your mind.

    I think subconsciously I started really getting into blogging again because I knew I needed a change, and what better time than now. If not now then when? And writing has always been cathartic for me. I always come back to it. Don’t forget I have my Friday Five coming up tomorrow! I’ll try to get it in before midnight this time.. haaaaa. We’ll see.

    Until next time..

    All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.

    Ralph Waldo Emerson

    On breaking up.. with friends

    So you have this friend. You’ve been friends with this person for a while.. a few years maybe. You’ve been friends since you were teenagers and you went through that weird phase in your late teens/early twenties. You’re getting towards your mid-twenties and you notice that you two are heading in different directions. You notice that the friendship is starting to be one-sided and more of a hassle than it’s worth. You notice that the energy when you’re around said person is quite depressing and it makes you want to hang yourself (figuratively.. of course).

    This was me a few years ago. This was me with quite a few people in my life. I believe that there are pivotal moments in your life where you’re going to change, and your relationships with people either have to change or they get left behind. I had these moments where I had to step away from someone because our relationship just wasn’t serving either one of us and it was hard, man. It’s hard to let go of something that you put years into.. your soul, your secrets into.. it’s hard to let go of a person that you made so many memories with but sometimes it’s necessary.

    Like romantic relationships, I am all about breaking up with your friends for the greater good. I stumbled across an old Tumblr I had– I don’t know why I have two Tumblrs.. actually, but anyway I saw this post and it was racking my brain because I could not for the life of me think of any guy I was dating at that time! Then it Break Up dawned on me.. I was talking about a female friend. Dear God. How emotionally loaded was that post?! Granted, I’m still very much so the same, but I think I handle these type of situations differently– posting on a blog while I’m emotionally heated is not one of them. I was reading it and was so horrified by how “raw” I was about it. I wrote exactly what was on my mind, unfiltered and unafraid. I’m surprised there weren’t more f-bombs thrown in to be quite honest. It brought back so many memories, I don’t think any of my friends realized how frazzled I was about that relationship. It was so unbelievably unhealthy. I audibly sighed out loud just thinking of that emotional roller coaster.

    But back to my main point.. I was at a point where I could not keep holding onto something that wasn’t working and I believe a lot of people have felt that way about a friendship at one point in time. People, you gotta let it go. Keep in mind, I’m not saying just throw out all those hard relationships or anything. I think if a friendship is salvageable, and worth it, you ought to fight for it. But if there’s nothing there, and you’re at the end of your rope and you’ve already tried talking it out and cannot come to a consensus, then you better walk away. Unfortunately, breaking up with a friend is not so easy, but hey neither are the other kind of breakups. The right way is often not the easy way, but it’s so much better in the long run.

    On serial dating

    Ok so.. I’ll just say the first thing that pops into my mind in regards to this topic.

    Taylor freakin’ Swift.

    No this is not a hate post about her, but I’m just saying. Nor is this a post about just women who are serial daters. I’d like to think of myself as an equal opportunist when it comes to things that annoy me, and if I don’t like one gender doing it, I most certainly don’t like that other doing it as well.

    I know, this has nothing to do with me– but it kinda does. So hear me out..

    We all have this friend (or maybe you ARE this friend) that just jumps from relationship to relationshit. You watch it all pan out in your Facebook feed– he’s single, he’s taken, he’s in a “domestic relationship”, and the ambiguous, but fun, it’s complicated.

    image from sxc.huI really, and truly, feel for people like that. I also would like to slap anyone that I know that is like that. I’m serious, man. I think– there’s a certain point where you just have to think to yourself that “maybe, serial dating is not working out for me. Maybe I just need to chill the fuck out and learn to be OK with myself first, before I even consider being happy with another human being.” I think that’s logical, wouldn’t you say? Of course you would.

    I think being young and dating people to find out what you’re into is great and all, but there’s that point.. that most people should hit where you’re seeing the patterns. You see that maybe things haven’t worked out with Randy, Paul, and John because you’re pretty sure they’re all the exact same guy. Then it all clicks, you + this type does not compute to a healthy/lasting/fulfilling relationship (assuming that’s your end goal). Logically, you’d recognize it and learn and move onto something that suits you.

    But I’m not talking about those people.

    I’m talking about those other people that continue and continue to date the exact same person– literally and figuratively. Those people that get left broken hearted every single month because the same type of prick didn’t appreciate them. Hey, how about you appreciate yourself and do yourself a favor and hold yourself to a higher standard? Be selective. Be alone. Go find yourself in the mountains, or at the mall– whatever. Better things come your way when that happens, trust me. Be open to different, but don’t just be open for everyone to get on the merry-go-round.. you see where I’m going with this. And so what if your Facebook status will read that you’re single for two long months.. you’ll be OK. If anything you won’t be that person that I (and probably at least 47% of your friends) am silently judging because your new flavor of the week changes more often than this crazy North Texas weather. But don’t do it for me.. do it for yourself, because at the end of the day– you’ve got yourself, and if you can’t look out for yourself well.. you’re S.O.L., I suppose.

    On writing and life of a 20something

    I don’t know how many times I’ve written about not being able to blog about something, but I tell you it never gets old. I don’t know how many nights I’ve stared at this screen and started bitching in my blog about people, things, events, etc. I usually stop after the first paragraph. I have so many things circling my mind, which is why I turn to writing in the first place. It’s nice to know I can be free on this blog, it’ll be like my “misplaced” Moleskine.. except I won’t try to throw too much shade at men I’ve been involved with.. much.. we’ll see how I’m feeling that day. Can’t make any promises. Ha.

    I think what really weighs heavy on my mind is this “post-college” yet “pre-real life” phase I’m going through. I use “pre-real life” because I’m not really.. doing anything. Nothing is fulfilling me at this moment, to be quite honest. And I can only be honest here. It was as if I was going on this path, I could see it clearly.. then it got derailed and I’m not sure what I’m doing anymore. The question of what I’ve been up to makes me super uneasy now, because the sad and pathetic answer is “nothing”– and in my head I know I’m better than that. After I graduated college, I don’t even KNOW what happened to me. It wasn’t anything bad, or anything good, it was just.. nothing. It didn’t serve me.. at least not to my knowledge, and maybe I’ll learn something from this point in my life. I’m sure I will. I know I’m not the only person in that weird phase after college– or that phase in their 20s where they’re trying to find their niche in this world. I thought I had an idea, but you know plans don’t always go as planned. If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans I suppose. Or so they say. I’m at least hopeful that my life will one day be fulfilling, once I get up and figure out which direction I want to take. I realize that you may not know the destination, but you must get up and move one way or the other. Easier said than done.

    This mid-20s period is rough, man.

    I’ve been wanting to start this blog for a long time now.. and I think starting it is a step towards moving out of this slump I’m in– because I’m tired of feeling like this Buzzfeed meme. No seriously, that pretty much just described me, in the most hilarious way possible.

    “I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it.”
    – Jack Handey

    On niceness and stalking

    Communication.  It’s one of my favorite topics.  I’m a woman of little words, however, when I do talk– I mean what I say and I say what I mean.  I’m honest.  I believe when communicating something very important to you, you better speak about it and make sure the message you intend for your audience it received in a way that there is little to no error.  I especially think it’s important when it comes to matters of the opposite sex.

    I was speaking with my friend J yesterday and she was telling me about a new coworker that had been a  little too talkative.  He was asking too many damn questions.. you know.  That guy.  Anyway, I was telling her that she better let him know that she’s not interested, and just try to nip this in the bud now before it becomes a bigger problem.  Then she tells me something that I hear too often from other women I know– she doesn’t want to be mean

    Mean?  Really?!  I’m surprised* people still think this way.  I didn’t know that being honest about never being interested in someone is such a horrible.. impolite thing to do.  Personally, I think being strung along is way worse.. don’t you think?  Because if someone is obviously flirting with you, and you don’t do something to stop it early I feel like they think that you’re actually OK with it– which it’s not 90% of the time.  I mean, there’s a way to go about it– you just can’t go up to people and say, “hey, I’d never ever sleep with you.” then proceed to laughing gleefully in their face.  That would definitely convey that “never happening” message clearly, but I believe in tact.. whenever possible.  One shouldn’t be afraid to be honest just because the other person isn’t going to like it, especially if you have an awkward situation on your hands.  And by awkward, I mean stalker situation.

    *I’m not really surprised, I just think it’s stupid..