dating, personally lyka

On Locks, Love, and Paris

On a whim I decided to refresh the look of my blog to something simple. I spent days on my last blog layout, and on this– I think it took about 30 minutes at most and aside from changing the CSS to better colors which I’ll probably do after I post this, I really like how this layout is a million times simpler. This photo in the side bar from my trip last year in Malta of a bridge with a ton of locks on it. It’s quite romantic, isn’t it? It almost makes up for the fact that I missed an opportunity to go to Paris last summer and witness the real thing– that’s now been taken down. But not really because I will always be living with that regret for not just getting on that train to Paris from London.

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I still want to visit Paris and it may or may not be my next international trip. It’s funny how taking down those love locks kind of tainted Paris for me. It wasn’t the only reason I wanted to visit, but now I’m kind of looking at the place with a twisted face. Not going to lie. It’s a tiny thing, a very minuscule detail in a city filled with so much more. However, I feel like a little magic is gone, and I know that’s absolutely ridiculous. I get it. But I wonder if things like this translate in how I look at people I date.

My gut answer is yes.

It’s interesting how I hate almost every relationship I’ve been in*, yet I over romanticize relationships I’ve never been in and probably never will be in. And a lot of it is that I tend to have my head in clouds and dream a lot about possibilities and idealism, because it’s much better than the shitshow that was my dating life. Speaking of over romanticizing things, that’s probably why I’ve always wanted to go to Paris.

My friend G keeps trying to convince me to put myself out there, but I told him I’d rather not for several reasons, one of them being I think my judgement of men is just off right now. And by now, I really mean always because I have this conundrum when it comes to guys– I’ll dismiss a guy really early about something, and no it’s not that he likes the horribly awful movie Jennifer’s Body or something ridiculous like that, although I’d seriously question his cinematic taste. It’s more situational. For example, you ask me to the movies for a first date and don’t have enough money to cover both tickets, type of situation because to me it translates to this guy being unprepared in other areas of his life. And yes, this has happened to me, ladies and gentlemen. So I’ll dismiss guys for things like that, but occasionally, I’ll say to myself, maybe I’m being harsh and should be more open. So I’ll date a guy, dismissing vital red flags and then in the end I am left wondering “WTF just happened to me and how did I ever let that person into my life?”

Happens every time, y’all.

I’ll be what I think is overly harsh towards men to the point where I feel like I should be more open for the sake of being open, but in actuality I’m being naive and just end up setting myself up for failure. I think sometimes I’m nitpicking and trying to find the perfect person, but in actuality I’m not really like that.

Upon having an unhealthy amount of time to think about these kinds of things lately, I realize that as I’ve reflected on some experiences, I really start actually listening to my gut (not my heart or my head), even if at first it seems like I’m being harsh and it doesn’t make sense– I’m just going to go with it. I don’t have to explain myself anymore to people.

What does any of that have to do with Paris and the love locks?

I’m glad you asked.

While I think I shouldn’t dismiss the place so easily, I should accept the fact that the appeal it once had isn’t there. Whether it has to do with those locks or something else, but my gut says I’d be better satisfied visiting another place for my next trip. I should run with that thought instead of trying to convince myself of something I thought I had wanted initially, I should accept what my gut is telling me. Does that make sense? Nah? Yea? I don’t know, but we’re going somewhere.

* And if you’re ever wondering, how can I talk so candidly and horribly about guys I date? It’s because I don’t expect any guy I’ve ever dated or been in a relationship with to be reading this blog. If they do, then they should feel VERY weird and ask themselves what they’re doing here. Like, what are you doing here bruh? Go home.

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But seriously, now that I think of it, maybe I’ll just go to Berlin instead of Paris. It’s not as rosy in Paris as I once thought anyway.

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personally lyka

On Forgiving Myself

I don’t think motherhood has really changed the kind of person that I am. I still feel like myself, my real real self. I just have a little guy that looks kinda like me that is with me at all times and depends on me for everything. Aside from that, I am the same person. I really expected some kind of a transformation, and perhaps over time the changes will be obvious, but I feel no different from before I found out I was pregnant. Although, I do find that I am quicker to make better choices than lollygag and put things off, because time is really limited now.

I can say though that since becoming a parent, it has really made me stop and magnify the things in my life that I don’t really like about myself and want to change. Even though my son is really young, I know for a fact kids pick up the tiniest things. I can not help but think about the things I do that I don’t ever want any child of mine doing. I can’t help but think about the kind of person I want my son to be. You want your kids to be instilled with good virtues and not pick up nasty habits. One of the things about myself that I need to work on is forgiving. Forgiving others as well as myself.

I especially need to learn to forgive myself. I beat myself up a lot about things. I wouldn’t exactly call myself a perfectionist, because I never do anything perfectly– perhaps the better way to word it is, I hate being wrong. Anyone that knows me well is probably nodding their head at that sentence. People don’t understand how much it bothers me to be wrong about anything or someone. As I’ve gotten older, I’m better at this– especially with my close friends. I’ll forsake being right because I don’t like arguing with my friends. While forgiving myself has gotten slightly easier, I know I still have a lot of work to do with that.

Ever since my son was born, I’ve beaten myself up every single day about his “father”–and I’m using that term really loosely here. I can see why some single parents can have such hatred for their child’s other parent, because I have never felt such hatred and disgust for another person before this. And I really hate myself for it.

I’m one of those people that believe who you surround yourself with is a reflection of you. And I just can’t believe I ever let someone in my life that doesn’t do anything for their child and thinks parenting is a choice. I can’t believe one day I have to explain this to my son. I have no words for this. I know this scenario isn’t a new one or anything, but it’s just one of those things you think will never happen to you until it happens. And I’m having a hard time with it because while this whole situation disgusts me and is appalling, when I think about it– I’m not really surprised. Just because you expect someone to do the right thing, doesn’t mean they will.

The thing I’m having a hard time with is, in the very beginning, I knew I should have just not pursued this relationship. I just knew I shouldn’t’ve done it. I made so many excuses, ignored the red flags that I knew were there from the very first date. While I know it isn’t all my fault, I can’t help but tell myself that I knew this would happen over and over again.

I must say, I love my son, and I don’t regret him. That’s not what I’m mad about. I just wish things were different for my son, because one day he’ll ask about this period in his life and I don’t have a logical answer. I know there’s nothing I can do but forgive myself and move on, and I want to– but it’s like I’m staring in a tunnel and the light is so distant. I don’t want my son to see me this way. I don’t ever want to see my son beat himself up the way I do.

So I’m going to work on it. I don’t intend to be mad about this or at myself for forever, but I sure wish I was much better at forgiving myself right now, because I can see that this is going to be a very long road ahead of me.

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personally lyka

On The Pregnancy Struggle

So I’m allegedly having a baby sometime soon, my EDD is 26 December and so far everything is going smoothly. Although I’m at that point where I just can’t move anymore. This baby is so low in me and his presence has never been more real than while I’m attempting to walk like a normal person right now.

To tell you the truth, I am one of those people where nothing really phases me whatsoever until right before it happens. I get it, I’m pregnant, there’s actually a person sharing a body with me at the moment, I get it– but then again it’s still a concept for me, not so much a tangible thing. Almost every day, without fail, I’ll say to myself “Oh yea, you’re pregnant!” I’m still trying to wrap my head around this, even at 39 weeks (minus one day) pregnant. I probably won’t have that shit just got real moment until I actually see this little guy.

Now that I am in the final stretch before the “big moment”, I spend a lot of time reflecting on certain times. My mommy friends have been pretty invaluable to me in terms of giving me the heads up on things, and I’d like to attempt to do the same for any of my friends who have not experienced this yet.. so without further ado–

That pregnancy glow is real. I know you know by now (at least I’m assuming you do) that it’s really just sweat, but I bet you didn’t know even though it’s winter that you might still find yourself sweating like it’s summer. This works out in my favor for me because my jackets do not even fit right now, so long sleeves and a light unbuttoned jacket works great for me. I still have to occasionally use the AC in my car though. Even in the middle of the night, I will wake up sweating and my hair will start to curl from the sweat. It makes me want to shower several times a day. I feel like have been a human heater for months now! I’m glad I’m having a winter baby, because I cannot imagine myself surviving a third trimester in any temperature that is remotely warm.

Using your ab muscles becomes nonexistent after a certain point. Your body goes through many changes, this is one of those that is a big deal for me but is not something people really mention. Around the sixth month of pregnancy I realized that I should probably make a conscious decision to use my arms to get up instead of using my abs because those times I did not were soooo painful. Hello, there’s a baby there! A couple of times recently in my sleepy haze I would forget to use my arms to get out of bed and I would and instantly regret it. Let me tell you, there is going to be a lot of getting up in the middle of the night so drill this into your head and get those arms working!

Pregnancy hunger. Anyone that knows me knows I love food. Like, aside from sleeping.. food is my love. All my favorite things usually involve me eating, because this big girl loves to eat. Let me tell you though, pregnancy hunger is completely different for me. Now, I am sure you have heard of the term hangry, which definitely applies to me because I do get visibly pissed when I am hungry. However, my hangry level increased exponentially the more my pregnancy progressed. It is so unreal. Not only do I get instantly pissed when I am hungry, BUT I get hungry SO OFTEN and if I don’t find something to snack on immediately– this kid will not stop kicking me. Oh, and it doesn’t matter if I’m asleep. That is what makes it different, and also the fact that I get full pretty easily. So having to eat often, but in not humongous quantities at once.. that is a lot for me to keep up with. There was a point where I’d wake up once or twice a night just to take my bathroom break and if I even tried to go to sleep without eating– non stop kicking. He’s obviously his mother’s child, but I did not realize that I would get to the point where eating became a chore. I imagine this is not going to wane because I plan on breastfeeding, but at least I won’t have someone kicking me from the inside to remind me to eat some more, right? Right. Anyway, this is just a heads up for anyone that already had a monster appetite. If you thought you could not possibly eat more.. you can. You can and you will.

Your friends will get you so much baby stuff, you might as well wait a little bit before grabbing baby things, especially cute things in newborn sizes. Before I knew it I had so my tiny items of clothing, I kind of wish I waited or at least got bigger sizes. My son will essentially be naked after six months, I think. It will be summer anyway, so I don’t think it will matter too much.. But I digress. It is also funny what your guy friends gravitate towards getting you on your gift resigistry in comparison to your girl friends. My guy friends got me the most practical stuff ever, y’all– sans anything that had to do with breastfeeding, of course. I did notice that reoccurring pattern and I found it kind of humorous. It came in handy though because towards the end I realize I had so much cute stuff, but still had a ton of “boring” stuff to get. So keep that in mind!

I think though, out of everything, the one thing about pregnancy that I never really thought about before is that I after I got over the initial shock, I started imagining this life for this other person. It is interesting when you have these strong feelings about the kind of life you want for you child, because it is a reflection of what you find important. I just want this baby to be happy and healthy. And really smart. I secretly hope he is really good at science, because I wasn’t. In fact, I’ve never taken a chemistry class and opted for physics instead. I really hope that doesn’t bite me in the butt one day if he ever asks me to help with his science homework. Ugh.

Well, I have eight days left until my due date. I think he will be here before then though.. if I were to guess. I think I’ll sleep until then or something because I can’t move anymore really.

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personally lyka

On Pregnancy

So I am officially back to my country, permanently! I came back with a Master of Art’s degree in International Politics and Human Rights and a baby that will (should) be born next month. Surprise! Coming back from London, and expecting to be a single mother was not in my plans, but life does not care about your plans. Which is fine, adaptability is something I like to think I have acquired after all these years anyway. The last few months have been a roller coaster of emotions, and I do not know if this it is the hormones talking or what– although I like to throw that excuse out there when I can, because no one will question me anymore. Perks. Between wrapping up my master’s program, finishing my dissertation, a transatlantic move to North Carolina, and adjusting to life in a new place.. it has been a lot. It has also been a learning experience!

I can remember the day I found out I was pregnant so vividly, it was on the 27th of April. I remember looking at those two lines and thinking, “Oh. My. God.” I remember really wanting lots of fruit juice that previous week, not being able to get up for my final weeks of lectures because I was too exhausted, and falling asleep in the library because I could not stay awake whatsoever (in the middle of the day). I remember calling my mother within hours of finding out, and before I could even say the news, I could not stop crying out of shame and feeling so mortified. She was very happy about the news, by the way. I on the other hand, I was complete a wreck. I had essays due, a dissertation proposal to write, and at the time a boyfriend I barely knew. It was not the time. Not that there ever really is a right time, but this definitely erred more on the worst possible timing side of things.

Fast forward to now, two trimesters, a master’s degree, a new country, and a breakup later– I’m here and my baby (it’s a boy) is still here. By the grace of God that baby is still here. I say that because during the first trimester I really worried about miscarrying just because I was not expecting this and you never know what could happen, and the second and third trimester was just full of stress from my situations. It was unbelievably stressful. I really wanted to be fully happy about this baby, and I was happy to a certain extent, but the situations surrounding this pregnancy put such a dark cloud over me for a while. Now I am at a place where most days are better than others, I am still settling into my new place in Charlotte, NC, and I know I made the right choice by coming back to the US. I had previously planned to stay in London due to the work opportunities within my studies, but God had other plans for now and I’m really OK with that.

I could say a lot of other things about this pregnancy, but I what I will say for now is that outside of my normal first-time mommy fears, I am pretty anxious now to see this little man that’s been kicking me all throughout the late night hours. Aside from only being slightly uncomfortable, this pregnancy has been really easy so far. I was really surprised. I will hold my breath though because this labor part that is coming up next month might be a different story.. hopefully I will get some sort of a nursery up by then. Oops.

Well the good news is now I have a ton of free time to write since I am currently unemployed, and a lot of material saved up from the past year! So, I shall see you sooner than later. Until next time..

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20something, communication, personally lyka

On lessons, hard learned

It’s about to be my 26th birthday! Actually it’s about 2 months away, but if you’re younger than me– you learn as you get older that time will start flying by so quickly. I looked at the date today like– what? May’s almost over? GTFOH. So much has happened in this past almost year, I do not even know where to start. I’m about 2/3s finished with my Masters degree, that’s assuming by the grace of God I passed my second term. Questioning the status of my pending Master’s degree aside– so… too much has happened this year. Good things, bad things, and most importantly– lessons that are learned in the most obnoxious and painful route possible also known as the hard way. Literal growing pains hurt, but in my opinion, figurative ones hurt way more. Then again, once you get over that discomfort, certain lessons bring a much needed and way overdue sigh of relief. And without further ado, here are some things I’ve learned up until now in my short, almost-26 years of life:

Unequal friendships aren’t worth fighting for, and you shouldn’t feel bad about cutting your losses.
As I’ve previously stated before, breaking up with friends is a hard, but sometimes a very necessary thing to do. Perhaps one side is doing more than the other, and I’ve been on both sides of this problem, so I really do get it. I’ve found that in life, relationships will probably never be equal, and if you’re keeping score that in itself is a start to a bigger problem. However, there are some friendships that are so imbalanced you just need to let it go. Whether you’re the person who is being used, or you find yourself wondering why the other person is getting frustrated with you for not “_______ with them enough” even though you probably ______ with them more than people you actually like way more– but they don’t get it because their expectations go beyond the output you’re giving them. Honestly, who has time for that kind of effort if you’re really not into that friend as much as they are into you. I’m not saying, but I’m just saying.

But on a serious note, whether you find yourself putting too much effort into friendships and you’re tired– cut your losses while you can. Or if you’re the person who has a friend who is demanding way too much out of you because their perception of the relationship doesn’t meet yours– cut your loss if it’s not that important to you. Life’s too short for whiny acquaintances. No shade.

People need to stop being so reactive and start being proactive, especially when it comes to disputes.
If there’s anything I learned from my Organizational Behavior in Business class from undergrad, it’s that any and every miscommunication or falling out is a two-way street. People are so obsessed with playing a finger pointing game and wanting to be the innocent party, it’s so sickening and annoying. Let’s imagine for a second that you say something via text message and the recipient takes offense to it, even though you didn’t mean it in an offensive way. Simple thing, happens all the time when you communicate in an impersonal way where context is open for interpretation. Here are several ways in which it could/should play out:

  • The sender could get mad because the recipient got mad, which completely does not acknowledge the other person’s feelings and usually just drags out the argument.
  • The sender could try to explain how they didn’t mean it in the way that the other person took it, and apologize for the miscommunication– rarely happens.
  • Recipient won’t even tell the sender that they’re offended and just acts accordingly and proceeds to ignoring the other person without addressing the problem, which just creates another problem.. which then makes small issues bigger than they ever need to be.
  • The recipient, prior to getting mad, could assume that maybe they’re jumping to conclusions and ask whether the sender meant it in the way that this person initially thought it meant, thus avoiding that awkward moment in the first place. This is assuming that this communication is between people with a somewhat good relationship, because why would a logical person assume someone meant the worst thing ever? This is asking too much, because people are so irrational..
  • Anyway, you get my point here. Obviously, there are many more scenarios that could play out here, and in anything in life it is way too easy to just finger point to the other person and say you did this, you did that.. so easy. I think there’s something to say for people who acknowledge their part in any dispute, without accounting for who did this and that. Next time you get in an argument, if you can attempt to say “I” statements instead of “you” statements, you’ll probably solve things much quicker or at least come to some agreement. Or not. Some thangs ain’t worth fighting for, y’all… which another topic for another day.

    You can stop blaming your parents now.
    I think we can all say something about what our parents did wrong and how they should have done this and that for you. The older I get, the more I realize I need just let it go with my parents. I love them, I know they really tried their best. I get that some people, have had traumatic and downright abusive things happen to them, but I’m not referring to that. I’m talking about people that want to hold a grudge against their parents for not putting them in group sports or didn’t push them hard enough or their parents were too strict or they’re “damaged” because of their parents’ divorce or they were a latch key kid who was alone all the time. I get it. I’m sure the majority of people can find some kind of fault in their parents efforts. However, you have a choice in your life to hold grudges or not, and honestly the person persistent grudges hurt the most is you. There’s a certain level of enlightenment, where you realize that you have the choice of looking at things differently. Perception is reality, and how you feel about things can change as easy as you looking at things differently. Looking back, I just see people who tried to raise a daughter as best as they could, and that’s what matters most. I say this, because no person is perfect, and imperfect people grow up to be imperfect parents… and I like to believe that people do try their best in important situations. There are so many inner demons and issues that parents go through, and to be empathetic to them on a human to human level really is relieving for me.. rather than to think of them as selfish people who could have clearly made better choices. It’s so easy to look back and see errors, but you also need to move on and not let things hold you back, because after a certain point the only person holding you back is yourself.

    Don’t think you can pick up and leave for a new place without thinking you won’t leave a piece of your heart behind.
    I think prior to me leaving for London, I didn’t think I’d miss my friends and family so much. I feel like I took advantage of having my loved ones just a quick drive or impromptu flight away, because I really miss everyone back home so much more than I ever wanted to admit. Don’t get me wrong, I have met wonderful people here that’ll probably never get deleted from my Facebook friends list (JK, guys), but it doesn’t compare to having history with so many people. I’ve been through some thangs with friends back home, and I miss having that support system and being around people that genuinely love me because it’s so difficult sometimes when I need a good friend that’s truly on my side. And I’m not talking about any friend, I’m talking about the kind of friend that has seen you without makeup and looking homeless AF, and still publicly hangs out with you. The kind of friend who hates your man when you hate him, and will be right next to you shoving your face with ice cream while discussing your temporary hate of all men, and will still be by your side when you love him again. I’m talking about the kind of friend that knows your deep and dark secrets, and, surprisingly, doesn’t judge you for it. I’m talking about the ride or die friend that’ll get into some mess with you at the last second and doesn’t ask any ridiculous questions like “are you going to get arrested for this?”. Some people just aren’t that down. Sometimes, I just need that friend. Like, it’s rare, but it does happen. Sometimes Skype doesn’t cut it really, because my heart is deep in the heart of Texas.. and some other parts of the US. Anyway my point is, I miss my loved ones. I can’t wait to see you all soon!

    This 25th year of my life has been.. interesting in a good way. I have loved myself, I have hated myself. I have met awesome people that taught me more things than a classroom ever has, and that kind of education is priceless. I’m right at that point where I have to grow up, although I’m still finding ways not to. I’m serious. But I love myself at 25 way more than any other year, and some interesting things are about to happen! Maybe I’ll blog more about said things. I say this every year, I think.. we’ll see how I feel tomorrow. Don’t hold your breath.

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    dating, personally lyka, Thrash

    On the “nice guy”

    Throughout most of my adult life, I can honestly say I usually have more guy friends than women friends. Not because I’m one of those self-proclaiming “I do not get along with women” women who is essentially “just like the guys”– although who really wants to be like a guy? That’s another topic, for another day. And the bottom line is– for me, I’m not as picky with my guy friends because I talk more about what’s important to me with my women friends, so obviously I’m more selective about those who I’m closest to. And that’s that.

    Onto my guy friends. It is pretty inevitable in almost every conversation that happens whilst we are eating or drinking we end up on the conversation of women and men. It never fails. One of the repeated things I hear from some of my male friends is that women do not want a “nice guy” and actually prefer jerks. And I just cannot understand from where guys get that ridiculous notion, because last time I checked grown women do not actually like jerks. Honestly, what sane person admits to even liking jerks? Image from Post SecretThis stupid idea is then planted into some poor guys’ head and then starts a sick cycle of nice guy turns into an asshole who then turns nice girl into, for lack of a better word, a bitch.

    I am just going to state that, for the most part, we do not want to date an asshole. However.. at one point we probably did (instant regret) date that guy, but listen– we do not end up with that guy. That guy is just someone that happens in passing, a guy that was a mistake (or lesson– whatever), and was probably during a time where there were several bad decisions and possibly copious amounts of alcohol. Or you could have just had a bad judgement call. Whatever. The point is, this isn’t the final guy.

    I do believe though that women do not like men who are pushovers and insecure. Whoever equated someone being nice to someone being a pushover is confusing a lot of people out there. You’re not helping women like me, who actually like nice men– who are not pushovers, and at the same time not uncompromising, egotistical jerks who have their heads so far up their ass that all they care about is being right. No. No, we do not want that, and what sane person would?

    From speaking with other like minded women, honestly.. I think a nice guy that is also confident, but not in the fake, overcompensating, dictator way is really the ideal choice. Confidence in a man, is just extremely hot. Like.. you could be a 4 and bumped up to a 7, kind of hot. Trust me, I’ve dated that guy and it’s a real thing, y’all.

    So I need the moaning from alleged/stereotypical “nice guys” to cease, because you’re just misguided. It’s not that you’re nice, it’s definitely something else. Perhaps lack of a back bone. I hate to tell you that, but I’m not here to boost egos. On the other hand! There are a select few who like that type of guy*.. those are dominant people. If you’re OK with not being the dominant one, then good for you. Don’t change, sweetheart.

    *Exception, not the rule.

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    20something, personally lyka

    On my 16-year old self

    Dear Lyka (circa 2004),

    Ten(ish) years from this point in your life your life will not be how you expected it to be, and that’s OK. As your older self, I can tell you that your life changes for the better. You will face many challenges, but I want to let you know you become a stronger woman because of it.

    At 16, you were emotional, dramatic, and just a typical 16 year old girl. You won’t grow out of that emotional and over-dramatic thing, for the record, but you learn to hone it.. most of it. It’s ok, it’s a part of you and you will find that the right people accept you as you are. You will outgrow most of your friends, and it’ll be an extremely hard pill for you to swallow, but the friends you get later in life are amazing people with whom you have more in common– and you will always have a place in your heart for your old friends. Always.

    Your heart will break several times over– you will do things you shouldn’t have done and will laugh later at why you would ever let people get to you so much. You learn that while people may hurt you, and you cannot help how you feel, you can control how you react– that lesson took a long time, but you will eventually get there. There will be several moments where you think this is the end of the world, and I’m letting you know it really isn’t. Not even close. You will look back at the couple of guys you were so in love with and thank God that it never worked out, because you really change a lot in your 20s. Like, a lot. You will unfortunately become a hardened and bitter woman because of your experiences, but in your mid-20s you realize that perhaps instead of looking at your exes as mistakes and look at them more as.. learning experiences and you grow from it. There is winning, and then there are learning experiences. Don’t beat yourself up for going after what you wanted in the moment, and then learning it wasn’t a good fit for you– it’s how you learn about yourself. I mean.. so Dad was right about that boyfriend of yours that was no good.. a girl’s gotta learn right? The older you get, the better your intuition becomes and the sooner you accept the validity of your inner voice– the more you’ll flourish. While I can’t say that you found someone 10 years from now, I can happily report you won’t settle for less than what you deserve, girl!

    Even at 25, you are still learning about yourself, and you’re getting better at accepting the quirks of your personality. You are really quite charming… in an off-color, awkward sort of way, if I do say so myself. Wink. You just have to learn to accept yourself. So your brain never shuts up– you learn you’re introverted. So you’re quick to pick up things about people– you’re an intuitive person. So you like doing random things and going to random places– you’re quite adventurous when you’re not wanting to nap. So you lolly gag a lot when you should be doing more important things– you won’t grow out of that procrastination.. I’m serious, don’t hold your breath.. but you do get shit done at your own pace and no one else’s. You eventually quit fighting your nature, and that’s where it all begins. I can also happily say that no matter how cynical you think you are or appear to be, you really are an optimist. You really believe in the good in people, and when you’re looking for good– you’ll find it.

    You will grow so much more outside of the myopic view you have of yourself. Don’t worry so much, life gets much better. You will learn not to need other people’s validation, especially a guy’s validation. You will learn not to care so much about petty things, and focus on becoming a better person for you and you only– not because some guy tells you you can’t do something. You will learn to weed out the negativity in your life and fill it with love. You will eventually love yourself, even though it will be a bumpy road getting there. Last thing, don’t be so hard on yourself.. you are doing so much better than you ever give yourself credit for– embrace those small victories because you will go much farther than you can even imagine.

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