dating, personally lyka

On Locks, Love, and Paris

On a whim I decided to refresh the look of my blog to something simple. I spent days on my last blog layout, and on this– I think it took about 30 minutes at most and aside from changing the CSS to better colors which I’ll probably do after I post this, I really like how this layout is a million times simpler. This photo in the side bar from my trip last year in Malta of a bridge with a ton of locks on it. It’s quite romantic, isn’t it? It almost makes up for the fact that I missed an opportunity to go to Paris last summer and witness the real thing– that’s now been taken down. But not really because I will always be living with that regret for not just getting on that train to Paris from London.

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I still want to visit Paris and it may or may not be my next international trip. It’s funny how taking down those love locks kind of tainted Paris for me. It wasn’t the only reason I wanted to visit, but now I’m kind of looking at the place with a twisted face. Not going to lie. It’s a tiny thing, a very minuscule detail in a city filled with so much more. However, I feel like a little magic is gone, and I know that’s absolutely ridiculous. I get it. But I wonder if things like this translate in how I look at people I date.

My gut answer is yes.

It’s interesting how I hate almost every relationship I’ve been in*, yet I over romanticize relationships I’ve never been in and probably never will be in. And a lot of it is that I tend to have my head in clouds and dream a lot about possibilities and idealism, because it’s much better than the shitshow that was my dating life. Speaking of over romanticizing things, that’s probably why I’ve always wanted to go to Paris.

My friend G keeps trying to convince me to put myself out there, but I told him I’d rather not for several reasons, one of them being I think my judgement of men is just off right now. And by now, I really mean always because I have this conundrum when it comes to guys– I’ll dismiss a guy really early about something, and no it’s not that he likes the horribly awful movie Jennifer’s Body or something ridiculous like that, although I’d seriously question his cinematic taste. It’s more situational. For example, you ask me to the movies for a first date and don’t have enough money to cover both tickets, type of situation because to me it translates to this guy being unprepared in other areas of his life. And yes, this has happened to me, ladies and gentlemen. So I’ll dismiss guys for things like that, but occasionally, I’ll say to myself, maybe I’m being harsh and should be more open. So I’ll date a guy, dismissing vital red flags and then in the end I am left wondering “WTF just happened to me and how did I ever let that person into my life?”

Happens every time, y’all.

I’ll be what I think is overly harsh towards men to the point where I feel like I should be more open for the sake of being open, but in actuality I’m being naive and just end up setting myself up for failure. I think sometimes I’m nitpicking and trying to find the perfect person, but in actuality I’m not really like that.

Upon having an unhealthy amount of time to think about these kinds of things lately, I realize that as I’ve reflected on some experiences, I really start actually listening to my gut (not my heart or my head), even if at first it seems like I’m being harsh and it doesn’t make sense– I’m just going to go with it. I don’t have to explain myself anymore to people.

What does any of that have to do with Paris and the love locks?

I’m glad you asked.

While I think I shouldn’t dismiss the place so easily, I should accept the fact that the appeal it once had isn’t there. Whether it has to do with those locks or something else, but my gut says I’d be better satisfied visiting another place for my next trip. I should run with that thought instead of trying to convince myself of something I thought I had wanted initially, I should accept what my gut is telling me. Does that make sense? Nah? Yea? I don’t know, but we’re going somewhere.

* And if you’re ever wondering, how can I talk so candidly and horribly about guys I date? It’s because I don’t expect any guy I’ve ever dated or been in a relationship with to be reading this blog. If they do, then they should feel VERY weird and ask themselves what they’re doing here. Like, what are you doing here bruh? Go home.

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But seriously, now that I think of it, maybe I’ll just go to Berlin instead of Paris. It’s not as rosy in Paris as I once thought anyway.

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dating, personally lyka, Thrash

On the “nice guy”

Throughout most of my adult life, I can honestly say I usually have more guy friends than women friends. Not because I’m one of those self-proclaiming “I do not get along with women” women who is essentially “just like the guys”– although who really wants to be like a guy? That’s another topic, for another day. And the bottom line is– for me, I’m not as picky with my guy friends because I talk more about what’s important to me with my women friends, so obviously I’m more selective about those who I’m closest to. And that’s that.

Onto my guy friends. It is pretty inevitable in almost every conversation that happens whilst we are eating or drinking we end up on the conversation of women and men. It never fails. One of the repeated things I hear from some of my male friends is that women do not want a “nice guy” and actually prefer jerks. And I just cannot understand from where guys get that ridiculous notion, because last time I checked grown women do not actually like jerks. Honestly, what sane person admits to even liking jerks? Image from Post SecretThis stupid idea is then planted into some poor guys’ head and then starts a sick cycle of nice guy turns into an asshole who then turns nice girl into, for lack of a better word, a bitch.

I am just going to state that, for the most part, we do not want to date an asshole. However.. at one point we probably did (instant regret) date that guy, but listen– we do not end up with that guy. That guy is just someone that happens in passing, a guy that was a mistake (or lesson– whatever), and was probably during a time where there were several bad decisions and possibly copious amounts of alcohol. Or you could have just had a bad judgement call. Whatever. The point is, this isn’t the final guy.

I do believe though that women do not like men who are pushovers and insecure. Whoever equated someone being nice to someone being a pushover is confusing a lot of people out there. You’re not helping women like me, who actually like nice men– who are not pushovers, and at the same time not uncompromising, egotistical jerks who have their heads so far up their ass that all they care about is being right. No. No, we do not want that, and what sane person would?

From speaking with other like minded women, honestly.. I think a nice guy that is also confident, but not in the fake, overcompensating, dictator way is really the ideal choice. Confidence in a man, is just extremely hot. Like.. you could be a 4 and bumped up to a 7, kind of hot. Trust me, I’ve dated that guy and it’s a real thing, y’all.

So I need the moaning from alleged/stereotypical “nice guys” to cease, because you’re just misguided. It’s not that you’re nice, it’s definitely something else. Perhaps lack of a back bone. I hate to tell you that, but I’m not here to boost egos. On the other hand! There are a select few who like that type of guy*.. those are dominant people. If you’re OK with not being the dominant one, then good for you. Don’t change, sweetheart.

*Exception, not the rule.

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